What Inside My Head

Monday, November 23, 2020

What is your biggest fear?

My answers would be varied and keep changing each year regarding this question, from having fear of falling from the cliff, being on a plane crash, being buried alive, being trapped in poverty, being eaten by the shark, being robbed, being trapped in an isolated island, until losing the ones I love the most.

But there’s one answer that remains the same: I’m afraid of losing myself.

This might sound a selfish and self-centered answer but I’ve been treated my own identity as the most valuable thing among everything. Recalling we live in a circle where we are required to be a people-pleaser, this answer might mind-provoking. One thing that I always keep in mind is the love I have for myself has to be bigger than the love I give to anyone else and I’m extra careful about that. I always keep this one thing in my head that I need to ‘wear my oxygen mask first before helping the others’ (for those who have been traveled on the plane must know this rule). This analogy applied to loving myself.

As time goes by, as I grow up, I realized that I will choose my own path because this is the moment that I will spend the rest of my life. What kind of life do I aspire to have? What are the things that I want to pursue in life? What kind of legacy would be left if I die? What kind of contribution that would give so many impacts on people? Last but not least, what kind of people I want to spend the rest of my life with? (Yeah, people, the whole community, humans are social beings, right?).

Here’s the thing, I would like to say this but at the same time, I need to be extra careful of choosing the words without offending anyone. What I’m trying to say: I don’t need anyone’s permission or validation regarding my happiness. My life has been wonderful for the past 24 years (and still counting), my life has been ‘well-designed’ based on what I’ve chosen, I have my own customized-personality that cannot be compared with anyone else, half of my dreams have been fulfilled, my family and friends are supportive for my own path, I don’t need to get out from my comfort zone or discovering other ‘way of life’ because I already have found my own. I can (proudly) say that I already have such a solid personality and way of life that I won’t let anyone else ruin that.

Why do I say this? Here’s the thing, I’ve witnessed so many people are dictated to give up their dreams, their life’s opportunity, their ambition, their life goals, last but not least: their true self, because they are afraid of losing someone. Yeah some people have (or are forced to have) the willingness to lose themselves to keep someone in their life. Some people have an alibi “B-b-but this is for your own good!” for my own good… or for your own ego? Some people need to know the difference between reminding and dictating. If there was someone ever said to me that I had to let go of the most valuable thing in my life in order to be loved by someone, or said “If you love someone, you have to let go this and that…”, I’m sorry to say I would bravely say no. I truly believe that there are persons out there who would love every strength and weakness inside us. Most importantly, they would love every valuable thing we have and support any positive ambitions we have dreamed of, and it goes both ways. I don’t need anyone to ruin anything I’ve built after all this time.

Perhaps one thing that we need to ask ourselves first before 'dictating' someone's life: "do we love them for what we imagine them to be or do we love them for who they really are?"

I don’t want somebody ‘new’ to come to my life, altering my life for the sake of winning his/her own ego as if I worship him/her, without witnessing what I’ve been through after all this time. That would be the meanest thing someone could ever do to me for ‘killing’ my true self.

The Period of Uncertainties

Photo by Mark Pan4ratte on Unsplash

Dear fellas,

If you’re reading this wherever you are in this world, I hope you’re doing fine in this awful time. Here I am, in the middle of the night writing this in my attic bedroom with no lights on while Coldplay’s Parachute album plays in the background. The vibe is gloomier because it’s rain outside too. There is the loudness of the silence of the world in the middle of the night that drives me to write this.

Gloominess, silence, desperation, insanity, confusion, madness, unfairness, uncertainties, disappointment, misery, grief, loss, perhaps you might familiar with these words this year. Apart from what we currently believe in, I know each of us would like to swear out of loud and raise our middle fingers in the air. Too many bad things happened in 2020 that make us feel like we want to raise the white flag. Before the pandemic happened, my ambitions to reach certain things were beyond my league until I realize that what I need the most is as simple as keeping my sanity right on the track. Staying sane in this awful time is such a blessing.

This is a strange time, even stranger than fiction. Never any single thing crossed my mind that I would live with fear which I have to be extra careful with everything that I touch and most importantly this affects the whole nation, the whole globe, the whole world. Ironically, our enemies are something that cannot be seen by our bare eyes. It feels like we’re currently fighting ghosts. Too strange to be true. This pandemic reminds me of the movie ‘Birdbox’ on Netflix, the difference is our current life is being threatened by getting close with another people and in Birdbox movie where everyone was expected to bring blindfolding to protect ourselves from the ‘creature’, in this case, we’re expected to wear a mask to protect ourselves from these invisible viruses.

You know what? I thought my life would be threatened by a huge monster attacking the whole city or there would be zombies attack the town. I feel like this pandemic is sort of an ‘invisible war’, you don’t see it with your bare eyes but it kills you slowly. The terms the ‘new normal’ truthfully makes me scared and annoy me at the same time because this is not the future I aspire to have. Part of me still believes that this strange situation would remain temporary but this phrase ‘new normal’ seems like everyone implies that this would be last forever like this would be ‘literally’ be our future.

With the economy that has been affected and shaking us through ups and downs, this pandemic has tested my survival skill both mentally and financially. The vibe of the new normal is too real which requires me to adapt immediately or I won’t survive. What I’m trying to say is: We are all amateurs here. We are all first-timers here on facing this pandemic. No one of us has ideas, clues, or experiences on surviving this pandemic, all we do is trying anything that comes up in our mind we think is the right action. You might notice so many people are starting to build a small business during this pandemic for the sake of surviving. So many people are trying to do countless jobs as long as being able to see another sunrise. The domino effect from this pandemic is too frightening to be true, starting from being extra careful to touch anything and distancing two meters from each other can determine your life and death.

Do you know what I despise the most yet this is inevitable during this pandemic? This pandemic has shown us that privilege plays a big role in someone’s fortune. I never meant to antagonize privilege but it just how life practically works. I still remember the conversation I had with a friend of mine that this pandemic was (supposed to) bring fortune to us because God just let us rest for a while from the world. We could meditate or doing something that no office-hour could provide us such time like this: the working-life-balance type. My friend’s thought about this pandemic might be true, but at the same time, I feel guilty to admit my privilege for having no worries to stay at home. Here’s the thing, there are people out there who can’t even have a meal without going to work. Some people are required to go out for the sake of keeping the electricity turns on. It’s ironic that even staying at home people still need modal, not everyone can afford to only stay at home. This pandemic has shown us nothing is free. I assume most of you have watched the movie ‘Parasite’ and recall the raining scene that the rich saw the rain as a blessing because it cleared up the pollution yet it gave disaster for the poor that caused their houses drowning. The unfairness between social classes is clearly shown that we might face the same storm but each of us stays on a different boat.

It’s an enormous dilemma which one is needed to be rescued first: whether you have to stop the viruses from spreading but at the same time, there are people out there who only rely on daily income. No income means no food to be served on the table. An empty stomach could lead to another disease, some people need to survive even as simple as putting the food in the mouth. It's a huge dilemma because this pandemic has a different impact on every person. If you have enough emergency funds to live for the rest of the year, this PSBB/lockdown might not be an issue for you.

I have to confess but at the same time, I feel guilty to admit that I have enough privilege to have fewer worries if compared to the less fortunate. Yeah, my current business is affected but not that much, no need to layoff the employees nor do salary reduction and the business is still running as well. The things that keep haunted my mind: what can I do to make things better? What kind of help that I can do? I realized this pandemic has increased and woken up the altruistic side of every person which even such small action could be matter to anyone. I started from the smallest thing that I can do such as buying my friends’ dagangan or participating in fund-raising. I have to confess (again) that before the pandemic I could spend the amount of money in a blink of an eye, this pandemic has woken me up that the amount of money that I’ve spent could be transferred to those who needed. Their reaction was so heart-warming and priceless, I mean I never thought a certain amount of money or action could mean a LOT to anyone. At least this is the brighter side of this pandemic that in this miserable time we could give a spark of happiness to others. The viruses might be contagious, but don’t forget happiness is contagious too.

I don’t know exactly where my life takes me in the next few years because so many plans are altered, postponed, or even canceled. I’m currently in a period of uncertainties in making any vital decisions in my life. No matter how miserable this current time is, the optimism on living this life is still flaming inside of me. I believe one day I will strolling along 5th Avenue NYC while listening to Empire State of Mind, or I will do the solo trip (or with the loved ones?) to do an architectural tour of my favorite Japanese architects. I’m still trying my best to see the brighter side of this pandemic although sometimes deep inside I want to raise my middle finger in the air. Lately, during the lockdown, I’ve been digging the inner skill inside of me that I never discovered before. It’s heart-warming that in this time with full of uncertainties, people still find a way to spend their time with meaningful activities.

After all, stay sane.

The Importance of Learning English

Picture's source: Pinterest

I might be an Indonesian but I use English in any kind of social media most of the time, including this blog. The main reason why I make this blog is not only sharing my personal experience and thoughts but also to increase my English writing skill. It's not that I don't like Bahasa Indonesia but I thought that by speaking English I would get wider audiences across the nation, especially my interests are about travel and design. It's really good to share with people across the nation about our interests, we would likely get something that we've never heard or seen before. In order to get along with the people from abroad, having a proficiency in English is the key to everything.

I remember when I was a kid, my parents forced me to go to an English course. I was upset back then because I didn't know the reason why I had to be able to speak English at such a young age. I thought my parents just being a fool for forcing me because I had no idea the importance of learning English and they kept saying it was for my future, while I had no idea what future was like. There was a time my parents almost gave up to take me to an English course until they decided to subscribe to a TV Cable (TV that includes the international channels) to let me watch a variety of cartoons instead of soap opera (sinetron). I was freaking out when there was no Indonesia subtitle on Cartoon Network and then I complained to my parents because I couldn't understand anything on TV. My parents easily said "I told you" and that was the day when I decided to learn English.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where those who learn English are most likely being bullied such as "gausah sok Inggris lo" or "nggak nasionalis lo". Those who speak or learn English are seen as smart-ass or wanting to show off. This has led people to be afraid to learn or speak English because every time they try to, they always being mocked. This happens everywhere including in a big city where foreigners or tourists come and go. This kind of mortification makes people have less confidence to speak English, even when they're grown up. Some people think that by speaking English means that we're no longer love our own language. Some people like to make fun of those who don't speak like the native speakers' accent which makes no sense to me. For me, learning a new language is not about to sound exactly like the native speakers but to communicate.

Let's get real, English has been a part of our life and it's the most spoken language in the world. Wherever we are, we can't deny the existence of English, even most of the job vacancies require us to have proficiency in English. Learning English is not only about being able to watch a movie without subtitle or being able to speak with the foreigners but also to wide up our opportunity in many things such as joining student exchange or participating in an international forum. It's really great to be able to transfer knowledge from people with a variety of backgrounds and all of them are united with English. Not only that, most of the literature is written in English so if you want to gain knowledge of everything, the first thing we have to conquer is to be able to comprehend English. You already one step further compared to those who don't learn English in digging knowledge.

Let me guess, you have at least one or two (or many) favorite artists coming from the Western, right? Either it's Ariana Grande, Justin Bieber, or Maroon 5, whatever. There must be a time when you stalk their social media just want to know their latest updates or you accidentally found a scandal about them. How could you understand their latest news when you don't even know what they're saying? Being able to speak English will make you easily reach them. You can say hi or just give them a compliment of what they've created, don't think about the reply but at least you try to reach them. Well, perhaps one day you could meet them in person? You don't want to miss a once-in-a-lifetime-chance to talk to them in person, right? You're not only being able to reach them but also get in touch with their fans across the nation too, right?

By being able to speak English, you no longer need to limit yourself. Have you ever skip watching a movie because there's no Bahasa Indonesia subtitle? Or you skip going abroad because you have no idea how to communicate with the locals? Or you skip your internship opportunity abroad because you're lacking in speaking English? Or have you ever facing difficulties reading instruction in any electricity equipment (I rarely find the instruction letter in Bahasa)? Please keep in mind that there are many opportunities left if you don't realize how important English is. Having a proficiency in English is like a door wide open to any kind of opportunity.

In conclusion, being able to speak English is like a stepping stone to any kind of opportunity. You no longer need to limit yourself or worry about communicating with the locals when you go abroad. Not only that, having fluency in English makes you one or two steps further in digging knowledge and opportunities if compared to who don't.

Life After Graduate

Dear fellas,

It's been a long time I don't write anything right here. I've just realized that it's been almost a year I have this blog, too bad I abandoned this. Before I'm saying anything, I would like to apologize for not being active on this blog. Life has been pretty rough and I'm having a hard time to manage everything at once. Life has been pretty overwhelming nowadays.

So, how was your day, guys? Hope you're having a great time.

How about me? Well, I'm doing...... fine. I actually doubt it when I said that because I've been facing pretty complicated days lately. Since I've been MIA since months ago, I have so many things to tell you right here but I don't know exactly where to start. Believe it or not, I put a sticky note on my laptop consists of several topics that I would like to write in this blog such as my latest trip, my art journey, my watching-concert experiences, how the 'influencers' affect the whole generation, how I see millennials nowadays, the main problem of our education system, victim-blaming on sexual harassment, and many more. Since I'm not a good writer, it really takes time to actually write one article because I have to make sure everything is well written and stick with the topic. The struggle to write anything right here is actually real. Since one day only consists of 24 hours, I haven't really put this as my first priority. And that sticky note still remains on my laptop and I just see it as a speck of dust. From the topics that I've mentioned, well I might graduate as a designer, but I like analyzing social issue especially when it happens in Indonesia.

So first thing first, now I'm working as a freelance interior designer and also a cafe owner with my brother. Everything that I do right now is basically a family business. My mother is an interior designer too and in a short-term, I would replace her: continuing her career as well. I have a cafe called Better Than Your Ex (BTYE for short) and you can check it out on Instagram @betterthanyourex.id. Our favorite dish is Salted Egg Chicken Rice and Ice Thai Tea. To tell you the truth, we expected the coffee would be the best seller ones when it turns out it's not but it's okay anyway. We were very selective with choosing the kind of coffee beans when it turns out people love our rice boxes and Ice Thai Tea. Since nowadays food delivery service is around the corner, people prefer to order with Go-food instead of dine-in. We've been struggling to decorate our place as well but most people prefer staying at home and choose the delivery order. Haha. My part on BTYE is handling social media, doing digital marketing, as a graphic designer and a photographer too. Thanks God I graduated from design school so I have skills and knowledge about branding image or visual branding. No need to spend expenses on hiring a graphic designer or a branding consultant. Scrolling through Pinterest and other photographer's social media has made me gaining knowledge about the best composition of food photography too. BTYE is still like a baby, it needs an extra care to grow up.

My life after graduate is more like emotionally adapting with the new phase. I must say that this year has a huge turning point in my life, many differences are made compared to the previous years, so many unexpected things happened yet so many things to learned. Graduating from the university means that every decision that I make would likely affect the rest of my life. Birthday is no longer about throwing a party or blowing up candles but mentally growing up. The pressure from your peers or your family is real. Being 20s are super sensitive, we might start on the same starting line but it turns out each person has a different path that leads us to the different finish line too, and some of us don't even recognize our path. Sometimes, life after graduation is about racing with others: racing to which one is successful first, where each person has a totally different meaning of "successful". Society expects us to reach the "ideal life" such as getting married as soon as possible, having kids on 25, having landed house before 30, working in a sophisticated company, be 'successful' before 30, and many more. It only requires a common sense to comprehend that everyone has their own timeline, and it's up to them.

Being a freelancer has its pros and cons. Thank God I live in the internet era where it provides me with more opportunity with flexibility when it comes to working. But you know what? It's not always as good as it seems. Being a freelancer means that I'm only working with myself most of the time. To be honest, I feel lonely, sometimes. Yeah I know I have flexible working hours even I can watch a movie in a cinema when everyone is in the office or I can take days off whenever I want. But I enjoy it all alone. I have to admit that I miss having a great talk during lunch with my peers, or working overnight together, or going to office events, or having a coffee together after office. The feeling of isolation makes me feel bad sometimes but it's something I have to deal with no matter what.

Being a freelancer means that there's no certainty in your life. You don't know whether you'll be paid this month, you don't even know whether you have something to work on every month. Every day is about waiting for the proposals to be approved. You don't work 9 to 5, but 9 to 0.00 and sometimes more. You don't know whether your cafe would be filled up with customers every day, you don't know how much income you would likely to get every month. You can get thousands dollar in a month but you don't even know how much money you would have next month. Every day is basically is a mystery. Sometimes I can't even relate how wonderful the beginning of the month (awal bulan) is because every day feels the same.

Life after graduate makes me learn to DEAL with a variety of people. When at school, people were basically under the same frequencies, you would more likely have the same thought, ideas, surroundings, the differences are not that matter. When in real life, I'm facing the 'real people'. There was a time a customer came to our cafe not ordered anything but mocking us. Yeah, only mocking us and saying that this cafe was no good. There was a time that I felt being underestimated of continuing my mother's career and suggested to work in an office as an employee instead to have kepastian hidup.

Last not least, life after graduate feels like being in a land of anxiety. I'm worried about anything, about where my life takes me in the next few years, about the adult shits I have to deal for the rest of my life, about the decisions I've made in the first place. I'm worried about my life purpose in this world and why do I have to be in this world if it doesn't mean 'something' to this world (yeah I know it sounds too much or too philosophical). The anxiety creeps me in until my head is going to explode. I'm worried about what I've done so far and compared to the others that makes me think that I don't really achieve that much. I thought teenage years would be the most complicated phase in my life when it turns out adulting is way more confusing.

Yeah, so much to deal with. My current day is more likely about emotionally and mentally growing up. The adjustment between school life and real life makes me insane sometimes. But everything that I do today is basically what I decide in the first place after all.

It's getting late, I need to have some rest to deal with tomorrow. Have some rest too my dear friends.

LR

Singapore Solo Trip #2

Dear fellas,

I've just realized that the previous post is all about Fall Out Boy concert, so let me write about the Singapore city itself. While in Singapore, I tend to forget about taking the car or taxi, I prefer going anywhere with MRT, bus, or taking a walk. The pedestrian area is really supporting me to take a stroll anywhere. Believe me, I can take a walk from City Hall to Marina Bay Sands (yeah most people have done it, but most of my peers would prefer to take a bus). During this trip, I tried my best to do what the locals do like eating in hawker center, take a stroll along the street, visit museums or galleries, getting lost, and the list is endless. Yeah to tell you the truth, I don't actually or precisely know what the locals do but I mean I want to do what the tourists don't do. My previous Singapore trips were mostly spending time in shopping at Orchard Road, spending the whole day at Universal Studios, buying gifts at Mustafa or Bugis Street, taking pictures at Merlion, and many more. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to do those things but I'm so done with it and I want to explore something new.

While traveling, instead of taking pictures of myself right here and right there, I prefer to take pictures of something that pleasing my eyes such as street photography. I really love how the composition of a moment captured into a photo, the unpredictable circumstances that never fail to surprise me, documenting the life the way it is, looking every corner of the street for the perfect angle, and there's a satisfaction after having great shots. If you take a look on my Instagram, you'll notice that I rarely post a picture of myself. Well, I'm not a narcissistic person or have a beautiful face. In fact, there are so many more interesting things to be shared instead of posting 100 selfie photos.

Well, here are the pictures I took during the trip. Hope you can enjoy it!