Emotional Roller Coaster

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Dear fellas,

As usual, I'm sitting on my bed with my laptop on my lap in the middle of the night. This is probably the best position and the best time for me to write something.

2017 is about to end, and I don't know whether I supposed to be delighted or downed. Many good things were happening this year like being able to watch Coldplay concert in Singapore, had a trip to Sumba, spent time my first days of 2017 in Japan, being a part of cultural event, passing the first step of my final year in college, gaining friends who share the same passion as me, exploring museums in Jakarta (as an excuses for 'seeking for inspiration' in doing my final project), had a trip to Yogyakarta in a very low budget and I (proudly) made it, and many more. 

So, I'm closing this year by making this blog to pour everything that has stuck in my head for the rest of the year. Well, I want to make a confession that sometimes I'm not exactly what you think I really am. Sometimes I'm just showing a really tiny part of myself in front of everyone, and I guess almost everyone doing this. I'm not faking, I'm not acting, I'm just trying my best to be adaptive in any place with anyone. And there's a certain point in my life that I'm really tired. Really, tired. And I don't know precisely what I'm tiring about. Is this puzzled you? Yeah I'm puzzled too. But, don't get me wrong, guys. I'm not trying to complain about what I really have or what I've really done in my life. What I'm trying to say is I'm just a human being who has a heart and soul, who can be happy and sad, who can be cheerful and disappointing.

Yup, that's the point.

That's the point why I make this blog.

That's the point that stuck in my head for the rest of this year. This year, I'm turning 21 years old and society expects me to be as mature as possible because the future is coming for me, and I need to be as tough as possible no matter what happens. Furthermore, the more I grow up, the more society expects me to do fewer mistakes, which (still) make sense to me. The problem is, the maturity process sucks. Really, sucks. In fact, I feel like I'm just a teenager who is trapped in young adult's body. This year, I'm facing a lot of unstable emotion and mood that swings from north to south and back in nanoseconds. No, I'm not a bipolar. Based on what I've read anything about bipolar, I'm not even close to it. But, this kind of thing is really freaking me out. My mom keeps reminding me to make up my mind but it's not as easy as I thought. And it sucks knowing that sometimes I'm incapable of controlling something that I should be the master at. Well, a human is a human, we're supposed to be the master of our feelings but sometimes we end up being the slave of our emotion.

Once again, I'm not blaming and I'm not complaining. What I'm trying to do is to share something that might relate to you or perhaps others. What I'm trying to point out is the process of maturity is not always as smooth as you think, and this is my kind of version. I'm pretty sure everyone has gone through a different path in order to reach their maturity level, and this is my kind of path. So, I hope you'll understand.

Sometimes this unstable emotion ruins everything, either it's what I do or what I say. This thing causes negativity in my head and it affects the way people look at me. Sometimes this negativity makes me do the mistake that shouldn't be in the first place. I just end up making problems for myself. Sometimes I keep thinking whether this such thing is normal or not. My dad said that perhaps I could talk to a therapist or the other expert, but I thought it was too much yet still I tried to consider. I know this sounds too much but this insanity affects my sanity.

Up until now, I'm still struggling to get it away from my head like doing my hobby or doing something I really like. It helps really much, I admit it. Having a hobby is a good distraction from my negativity.

I'm still on my way to be a better version of myself, and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who can fight the battle with my emotional roller coaster.

The clock is ticking, it's getting darker out there, my eyes are getting tired, I need to get some sleep.

Regards,

Sita